Cottesloe Counselling Centre, Perth WA. Psychologists, Counsellors & Psychotherapists

Understanding Shame

Maggie Down
Counsellor & Psychotherapist

What is shame?

Shame is the deeply held belief that one’s being is flawed. Shame can manifest as a fundamental feeling of not being good enough (no matter how hard we try), of not deserving, of not feeling worthy, of not being lovable. Shame can also be well disguised. People with seeming high self-esteem can also be very shame-bound.

If we have grown up with feelings of shame, we will find that it disrupts our lives in profound ways. It affects our identity (our sense of who we are), our intimacy with others, and our self-esteem. Shame affects our self-esteem by making us feel either better or worse than others.

Common indicators of shame include feeling as though we:

are exposed

have no voice

have to cover up

are foolish

are too vulnerable

are a fraud

are powerless

want to disappear

are too needy

If we are ‘shame bound’ we may be chronically aware of these feelings, or we may find that we are easily undone by innocuous triggers, such as being overlooked, or saying a wrong word. We may even experience ‘shame attacks’ in response to certain triggers, where the experience of shame is so searing and so overwhelming that we are virtually paralysed by the intense wave of disconnection and unworthiness that ensues. A severe shame attack may persist for days, or even weeks.

Shame is not our true identity. It is a false message from our false self.

Origins of shame

If we have developed a strong shame identity, invariably this will have its origin in childhood. Non-nurturing experiences, which can include abuse, neglect and enmeshment, will all contribute to the shamed sense of self.

Family shame, such as a parent’s alcoholism or psychiatric disorder, and cultural shame, such as belonging to a marginalized ethnic or indigenous group, will compound personal shame. Children lack developed boundaries. There is little protection from family or cultural shame, particularly in dysfunctional families.

Shame comes in many forms (see the list below for some examples of how children are shamed) and is directed towards the developing self in countless verbal and non-verbal ways. The ‘lesson’ of shame is all the more indelibly learned if the messages are repetitive and if there is no opportunity to talk about the experiences. Serial abandonment (emotional or physical) is a powerful teacher.

Healing shame

We heal our shame as we liberate our true self from the tyranny of the false self. As we undertake our therapy, as we challenge the distorted beliefs we have held about ourselves for a lifetime, as we heal our wounded inner child, as we address our addictions, as we discover lost parts of our being, we reduce our shame core.

Identifying shame and understanding our own shame process empowers us to deal better with our shame. For example: What triggers my shame? What are the many faces of my shame? How do I experience a ‘shame attack’ (perhaps rage, perhaps implosion…)? What supports me through the shame attack and back to a sense of being ok? What minimizes my shame-susceptibility?

Shame reduction is a long-term and possibly ongoing endeavour for most people who have had an adverse childhood. It is rewarding to notice the changes that indicate that our shame is healing, such as overcoming the fear of public speaking or the pattern of procrastination.

Some examples of how children are shamed

Adapted from Jane Middleton-Moz "Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise". Health Communications 1990

When the parent or caretaker indicates that a child is not wanted.
When a child is humiliated publicly.
When disapproval is aimed towards the child's entire being rather than the specific behaviour.
When a child must hide part of his being in order to be accepted, for example, his needs, joys, sorrows, hostilities, fears, mistakes, successes.
When a child's emotional or physical boundaries are violated as occurs in overt or covert abuse.
When children feel that they have no privacy, e.g. parents who go through their personal belongings or diaries.
When events or gifts that are important to the child are treated with indifference.
When a child feels that the parents are somehow different from other powerful figures in their world, e.g. immigrant parents, racial minority, poverty.
When a child feels that a parent or member of the family is somehow flawed compared to other adult figures in his or her world, e.g. where a family member is alcoholic or has a physical or mental disability, and that difference is never discussed or the child can't express feelings about the impact of that difference.
When trust in important adult figures is damaged or destroyed through inconsistency or neglect.
When a child grows up with adults who are ashamed and feel powerless in the world.
When a child is made to feel flawed, worthless, unlovable, or unwanted in the broader world or community, e.g. learning disabilities, inappropriate dress compared with peers.
When a child is consistently blamed for the actions or emotional state of the parent or the child cannot live up to the unrealistic expectations of the parent.
When parents use silent disgust as a way of disciplining, children feel that their entire being is bad and there is no opportunity to repair the relationship.

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