Staying Connected in Your Relationships
One of the main reasons we have relationships is to feel connected to other people.
When we feel connected there is an ongoing bond that provides safety, trust, mutual
satisfaction and harmony. This is true of all connected relationships whether they are
between people, businesses or nations. If people In a good relationship have a
disagreement, their connectedness enables them to remain respectful of each other
and to find solutions, to agree on a compromise or to accept their differences.
Most couples or individuals seeking relationship counselling do so because they
have become disconnected from each other and do not know how to get connected
again. These skills are not taught in school and few of us were shown good models
of healthy adult relationships in our family when we were growing up.
When a couple fall in love and decide to live together they intend to stay connected.
However, many find that as soon as a conflict arises between them, the negative patterns
of relating they saw their parents using may emerge between them too. We all unconsciously
absorb the model of relating our parents or other significant adults demonstrated to us
when we were very young. So we cannot be expected to know how to relate any better than
our parents did. This means that where it is difficult for a couple to find peaceful
solutions to their disagreements no one should be held to blame. We each of us can only
do as well as we were shown.
What is not generally recognised is the fact that the most important requirement for
a good relationship is to make staying connected the first priority. Once the feeling of
connectness is broken, both parties to the relationship become deprived and it is because
of this deprivation that they then find it difficult to reconcile any differences. The
feeling of deprivation can create a rigidity between them so that each wants to be right,
to be heard, to be understood, while at the same time believing the other to be wrong or
bad. This reactive process can only deepen their sense of alientation from each other.
Most couples in counselling will tell stories of events and experiences that have hurt
one or both of them deeply, for example, when one of the couple has had an affair. Such
behaviour always reflects the fact that, either they were never properly connected to their
partner in the first place, or they have become disconnected and unhappy with the relationship.
An affair is often an unconscious attempt to establish the feeling of connectedness with someone.
In The Circle of Relating, a schematic representation of what makes a relationship thrive
and what damages it, Bob and Rita Resnick, both renowned Gestalt psychotherapists, focus on
two processes that will undermine a relationship and reflect disconnectedness. The first is
called the position of Śisolationą and the second is referred to as Śconfluenceą. Both of
these positions occur because the couple have become disconnected from each other.
When one person in a relationship isolates the other person may respond by nagging or
become demanding. This is an attempt to reconnect but it usually backfires because the
person who has isolated retreats even more or becomes angry and then retaliates. In
counselling it can be useful to point out that nagging, demanding or wingeing behaviour
is a sure sign that the couple have already become disconnected.
When someone goes into the confluent position they behave in ways that are designed
to keep the peace or appease the other person. The person who is being confluent is
compromising themselves in order to reconnect or prevent the other person from rejecting
them. The underlying drive is the fear of losing the relationship and being abandoned.
Confluent behaviour results in a loss of identity and this then causes resentment to arise
in the person who is being confluent. Eventually this person may feel so lost in the
relationship that they can switch and go into isolation in order to reclaim their identity.
The other three positions on the the Resnick Circle of Relating are positive and foster
connectedness. In particular the position they call Ścontactą is crucial to the healthy
maintenance of connectedness. When a couple are holding this position with each other they
are aware of, and accept their differences, and they spend lots of time honestly sharing how
they are thinking and feeling about themselves and with each other. This last aspect of
relating is perhaps one of the most important commitments in a healthy relationship.
One of the main ways a damaged relationship can be restored is by being honest and
emotionally real together for at least some time every day . For some couples who come
to counselling, there may have been very little sharing in this way with each other since
they met. Or this level of honesty and commitment to being open with each other has not
been experienced for a long time. It often disappears when children come along and the
demands and pressures of child rearing and keeping the family financially afloat take
precedent over the coupleąs relationship.
There is something very special when two people meet and give each other their undivided
atttention. Taking it in turns to listen to each other and to accept what the other says
as their truth without any judgement or criticism is very affirming. This is good
communication and is crucial to creating and maintaining a bond of connectedness between
them. In counselling it is often the counsellorąs role to assist a couple to learn or
re-learn how to listen to each other unconditionally. Active listening techniques can
be taught so that the couple can both listen to and really hear each other properly.
This encourages real dialogue between them, fosters mutual respect and the vital capacity
to accept their differences.
Jonathan Kester conducts special workshops for couples to establish and maintain a connected relationship.
For more information about these workshops, to see Jonathan for couples counselling or to
gain assistance in any relationship difficulties, please phone him on 9298 9915 or e-mail him at:
jonakes@global.net.au
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