Men's Issues
Jonathan Kester
Human Communication Counsellor
The women's movement of the past thirty years has seen many changes in the way men
and women see themselves and each other. For the first time, it has led to an
increasing number of women taking their place as equals beside men in many contexts.
For men, pioneer authors, such as American, Robert Bly, and Australian, Steve Biddulph,
have been pointing the way towards better self understanding and have flagged the challenges
men must face to meet their womenfolk as equals and true partners in life. This means that
men are now being encouraged to re-evaluate who they are and what they can do.
Relationships
Because women are setting new agendas for true partnership and emotional intimacy
with their menfolk, men are being profoundly challenged and many have not been
trained and are not ready for what women expect of them. In the past, women often
recognized limitations but their economic dependence meant they had to keep their
concerns to themselves or accept second best, or worse. Now, as the current divorce
statistics show, when a marriage or a relationship has broken down irretrievably,
women are able to leave and get on with their lives. In Western Australia alone
there are over 5000 divorces a year, of which about 70% are initiated by women.
More and more men are accepting that they need to see counsellors and work on
themselves, either to improve their relationship skills in their current relationship
or to ensure they are better prepared for the next one.
The model of a tough, competitive, and emotionally isolated man was needed
for war and various work settings, but now many men (largely due to the
demands of their womenfolk) are challenging these stereotypical patterns
of male behaviour and are recognizing that they are out of emotional and
relational balance. This can be a difficult situation for many men because,
having been raised not to express emotions and to maintain a stiff upper
lip, many simply lack either the awareness or the vocabulary they need to
express how they are feeling. Communicating honestly about their feelings
and other aspects of intimacy in relationships can be a scary challenge for
men to accept. Some never do.
Fathers and parenting
The 1990's were a turning point in men's awareness of their roles as
sons and fathers. For the first time in history men started to challenge
how they were raised by their fathers and many men had to painfully
acknowledge that their fathers were emotionally absent from their
lives when they were growing up. Father hunger was
recognized as a significant negative influence on both the way men
grow up to relate to each other and on their ability to be good fathers.
Today, many men know that they need to have frequent contact with their
children, and are willing to share in the responsibilities of taking
care of them. They are also developing skills to play and communicate
well with their children as well as learning to provide appropriate
boundaries and discipline. Men are also accepting the importance of
physically and verbally expressing the love and pride they feel towards
their children throughout the years they are growing up and beyond.
It is generally accepted now that, whilst boys look to their fathers
as a role model for adult life, it is just as important for daughters
to be given their father's love, respect and encouragement in order to
grow up with high self-esteem.
Self awareness and a spiritual path
More and more men are acknowledging that our current corporate value
systems and economic rationalism present various pitfalls and limitations
to mens (and womens) lives in their relationships with life
partners, their families, and friends, as well as with nature and
the planet. Maintaining the protector and provider role that was
the lot of previous generations of men is now being seen as restricting
and insufficient for fulfilment in life. Increasing numbers of men are
dissatisfied with the quest for purely material gains and, with the
declining influence of Western religions, are seeking peace of mind
as well as meaning and purpose in life through self-awareness courses,
counselling and various spiritual paths that come from a worldwide
variety of religious and spiritual teachings.
Books
Robert Blye "Iron John" 1990 Element
Steve Biddulph "Manhood" 1993 Finch
Olga Silverstein & Beth Rashbaum "The Courage to Raise Good Men" 1995
Penguin (primarily for mothers but relevant to fathers too)
Steve Biddulph "Raising Boys" 1997 Finch (for parents and teachers)
John Marsden "Secret Men's Business" 1998 Pan Macmillan (for young men)
Daniel Petrie "Father Time" 1998 Finch
Services for men
Men's Health & Wellbeing Association (WA) Inc.
Claisebrook House
Moore St.
East Perth
9221 0221
Lone Fathers Support Services
57 Murray St
Perth 6000
9221 1668
Hey Dad WA
(Project run by Ngala)
9 George St
Kensington 6151
9333 9779
© Copyright Jonathan Kester 2002
For further information contact Jonathan Kester on 9298 9915
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