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Loss and The Upheaval of Grief

Barbara Arnold
Psychologist
Counsellor and Psychotherapist

"All changes involve loss, just as all losses require change."
(Anon)

Loss
When we think of loss we often think of the loss through death of people we love. However, loss is a far more encompassing theme in our life. For we lose not only through death, but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on. Our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love, but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and power, illusions of safety - and the loss of our own younger self that thought it always would be unwrinkled and invulnerable and immortal. (J Viorst)

Some of the losses identified below may, for some people, not be readily considered significant losses and yet for others, there will be immediate recognition:

• death of a significant person
• divorce, separation, relationship breakdown
• abusive relationships
• retrenchment, unemployment, retirement
• health deterioration, mental illness
• loss of a pet
• loss of possessions, burglary, car theft
• disability, loss of independence
• infertility
• miscarriage, termination, stillbirth
• adoption
• loss from natural disasters, fire, flood
• loss of dreams, expectations and hopes
• losses associated with caring for someone with a chronic or life threatening illness
• loss of one's home, financial loss
• moving house, moving country.

Losing a person, or something one is closely connected to, can be likened to losing part of oneself. The illusion of being in control of our life is also lost. There is a loss of innocence and this can be very frightening as it confronts our sense of security in the world.

"Grief, when it comes, is nothing we expect it to be." (Didion 2005)

Grief
Grief is an intense emotional state associated with the loss of someone or something with whom or which we have had a deep emotional connection.

It can feel like being:

• lost in a maze of conflicting emotions
• left rudderless in stormy seas
• abandoned and helpless
• chaotic and unstable.

Knowing these are typical experiences will not take away the pain and discomfort but it will increase our understanding of what is happening.

"Your grief is like your fingerprint, unique and personal to you." (Irving & Thompson)

Just as each person is uniquely different, people grieve differently - there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people are more intuitive and may seek out social support and tend to focus on the emotional aspects of their loss. Others may grieve through activity and problem solving and tend to be more solitary and private in their grief. Mostly though, grieving people will move between these two orientations of adjustment over time.

Some typical feelings and experiences during the upheaval of grief are listed below. It is important to note that these may occur in any order, several together or not at all.

Emotions Depression, despair, dejection, distress Anxiety, fears, dreads Guilt, self-blame, self-accusation Anger, hostility, irritability Loss of pleasure Loneliness Yearning, longing, pining Shock, numbness Thoughts Intrusive ruminations (brooding) Suppression, denial Lowered self-esteem Self-reproach Helplessness, hopelessness Suicidal ideation (thoughts) Sense of unreality Memory, concentration difficulties

Behaviour Over activity Searching Weeping, sobbing, crying Social withdrawal Sighing Physical Loss of appetite Sleep disturbances Energy loss, exhaustion Agitation, tenseness, restlessness Philosophical Change in worldview Questioning of values and beliefs

"Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life." (Didion 2005)

Adjustment
When our life has been turned upside down, we may have an expectation that our family and friends will offer ongoing support. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Some relationships may become stronger but some just don't survive the changes. Family and friends' busy lives continue as before and, after a period of time, generally they withdraw their support, often to the disappointment of the grieving person. On the other hand, surprising new friendships can arise which are highly supportive and enduring.

While grief is a very natural healing process, there are times when this process is interrupted in some way and the intensity of grief doesn't diminish over time. When this occurs, people who are grieving may find themselves out of step with their family or friends' and their own expectations that they should be feeling better and they should not be dwelling on the past so much. It can then be a heavy burden to realize how alone one is in one's grief.

During the first year particularly there can seemingly be experiences of 'recovery' and relief from distress, only to have that undone by significant occasions like anniversaries, Christmas, family celebrations, and so on. It can be alarming to be thrown into the intensity of grief again. At these significant times, it can also be a great opportunity to learn to put the pain into perspective, cope with changed circumstances and make further adjustments to living. This process is a longer one than most people realize, unfolding for some, over years rather than months and involving periodic 'grief spikes'.

Many ask, 'Why me? Why has this happened to me?' Ultimately, each person must find a personal meaning around their loss to be able to engage in life again. It is paradoxical that for the grieving person to make meaning of their loss and to begin to rebuild a new life for themselves, it is undertaken at a time when they feel most exhausted and overwhelmed.

The satisfactory reorganization of one's life following a major loss is not a guaranteed outcome. There are several ways that grieving people may become 'stuck' in the grief cycle. For instance, if the loss was a traumatic one, or out of sync with the family life cycle (death of a child/young parent), or multiple losses have occurred either simultaneously or sequentially, the enormity of these changes may complicate and compromise the grief cycle and its outcome.

Grieving is a harrowing experience for most people, one that causes considerable upset and disruption to everyday life. For most people the experience, though difficult, is tolerable and abates with time, some personally grow from the experience. For others, however, the suffering is intense and prolonged and may take years of adjustments to a world forever changed.

Counselling
If you are experiencing difficulty in any of the above areas and would like to enquire about Grief Counselling or Bereavement Counselling, please contact Barbara.

M: 0419 913 670           E:           Medicare rebates apply

Barbara Arnold
Psychologist, Counsellor and Psychotherapist
Cottesloe Counselling Centre
11 Brixton Street
Cottesloe Western Australia 6011

Sources: Dideon J. The Year of Magical Thinking, 2005
Stroebe M,Schut H,Stroebe W. Health Outcomes of Bereavement, 2007
National Association for Loss and Grief.

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