Fighting Fair
Jonathan Kester
Human Communication Counsellor
In all relationships between two people there will be times or circumstances when different attitudes or points of view emerge which can lead to an argument that is not be easily resolved. A fight between partners, or any two people, has the purpose of clearing the air, expressing deep feelings, and clarifying individual and shared goals. But it has to be done in the right way.
1. As soon as you are aware of a perceived conflict or concern, request and arrange an opportunity to discuss it. Leaving it, or hanging on to it only create a hidden 'charge' of negative energy that will build so that when the matter is eventually raised it is impossible to share what you are thinking and feeling without it sounding like, nagging, whingeing or an attack on the other person. This can lead to the other getting defensive and possibly withdrawing or going into a counter-attacking response which may then escalate the argument.
2. Fight by mutual consent. Don't insist on a fight at a time when one of you can't handle this type of strain. A good fight demands two ready participants.
3. Ask for what you want. Don't demand it e.g. "May I make a request?", or "I need to talk to you about ....".
4. Stick to the subject. Limit this fight to this subject. Don't throw other problems into it. Deal with different issues another time.
5. Don't hit below the belt. If you know each other's sensitive areas Don't throw them at each other.
6. Don't quit. Work it out. Bring the fight to a mutually agreed conclusion. This may mean accepting that the other person has a different and equally valid point of view. Seek and find your common ground. If a mutually agreed conclusion cannot be reached the same fight will recur again and again.
7. Don't try to win EVER. If one wins the other loses. This will create resentment and the loser will feel disempowered in the relationship.
8. Respect crying. It is a valid response and a release of pent up emotion, e.g. sadness or anger.
9. No violence or abuse. Physical, emotional or mental abuse violates all the above rules for fighting by mutual consent. Ensure there is enough space between you for both of you to feel safe. This may mean standing or sitting several metres apart throughout the argument.
a. Physical abuse includes - threatening to, or actually, hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, spitting, pushing or standing over the other, confining the other's movements, e.g. locking them in or out, cornering or restraining them.
b. Emotional abuse includes - shouting down, aggressive name-calling, blaming, using anger or rage to control through frightening the other into submission, using silence as a passive-aggressive form of control.
c. Mental abuse includes - verbal put-downs e.g. "you're hopeless", sexist remarks, insults, sarcasm, making a joke at the other's expense, using patronising remarks or vocal tone.
© Copyright Jonathan Kester 2004
Useful Reading
People Skills: How to assert yourself, listen to others, and resolve conflicts.
Robert Bolton.
Simon & Shuster. 1986 -1997.
Self Esteem Gael Lindenfield.
Thorsons 1995. Chapter 5. Strategies for Self-Protection. Pages 65-97.
Beyond Codependency And Getting Better All The Time. Melody Beattie.
CollinsDove 1989. Chapter 17. Negotiating Conflicts. Pages 191 -207.
Manhood. Steve Biddulph.
Finch 1995. Relating With Respect. Pages 244 -246
For further information contact Jonathan Kester on 9298 9915
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