Couple Counselling
Daniel Mills
Counsellor and Psychotherapist
Perth Western Australia
Seeking outside help for personal problems is a big step for many people and often it is delayed. This is one of the reasons why coming to counselling during a crisis is by far the most common way of getting started. In some ways a couple's decision has been made for them by the threat of immediate consequences, such as the loss of their relationship. When one person gets to breaking point it can come as almost a complete surprise to the other person who now springs into action often very late in the day.
An alleviation of intense distress is often the first and most urgent step in couple counselling. However, if more underlying and persistent patterns are not dealt with the couple will often find themselves in a similar position in a few months time as issues recur.
Ideally the couple counselling process teaches us not only how to deal with crises differently but also how to pay enough ongoing attention to our relationship that crises are less frequent and intense. We learn not only more about the specific issues that trouble us but also the way we as a couple tend to deal with issues more generally. As a result we find we are better able to deal with the inevitable challenges that living in a long term relationship presents.
Although it is important not to exaggerate the differences between men and women it is also important not to ignore them. In the past more women than men have sought couple therapy but this is gradually changing. Men are increasingly taking action to address relationship problems rather than delay and hope they get better over time. Women tend to rate their relationship difficulties as more serious than men do and this may be one reason why women more often initiate couple therapy.
If one partner is less motivated to come to counselling to begin with this often changes once the process of counselling is made clear and when some confidence and connection with the counsellor is established. If it is the male who is less motivated then having a male counsellor can aid this process as men often feel more comfortable talking to another male in couple therapy.
Other differences between men and women can include men's tendency to seek closeness through activities and their desire to resolve specific issues and move on. For men talking can often be a means to an end whilst women will often want a more emotionally engaged relationship which relies less on solving problems and doing things and more on talking and sharing as an end in itself.
Many couples that were once very cooperative in addressing difficulties may, over time, resort to a more competitive bargaining or tit-for-tat position. Maintaining a cooperative position in the face of conflict with one's partner is an important and necessary capacity for intimate relationships and it can be developed. Although many people are able to be cooperative outside the home the greatest challenge for many of us is learning to do it with our partner.
Despite our best intentions and efforts even good relationships go through periods of stress and hostility. What was once assumed to be a relatively compatible approach to sex, money and parenting can over time grow to become what feels like irreconcilable differences.
Attempts to address these differences can result in repetitively familiar and unsatisfying arguments that appear to lead nowhere. This can result in avoiding issues that then build up, are expressed in unhelpful ways and over time escalate into a crisis.
Even apparently destructive attempts to address problems are usually misdirected attempts to connect, as this is a universal need. Often it is the skills that are missing, not the good intention.
Unfortunately we do not always recognize this need or express it in ways that lead to the outcome we seek. Instead we may inadvertently push our partner away resulting in a sense of isolation and loneliness even when our partner is close by.
If this happens it can be helpful to access a couple counsellor who is familiar with the types of struggles you are facing and can help prevent further escalation. Without this outside support increased dissatisfaction can lead to a gradual loss of positive feelings and an emotional disconnection that may eventually result in thoughts of separating.
It is important to have a broad-minded counsellor who is not tied to one way of doing things, as all couples are unique. A one-size fits all approach is unlikely to get to the specific patterns and cycles that are different in each relationship.
A key role of the couple counsellor is to slow the pace of interactions down so that patterns, cycles and reactions can become clearer so that alternatives can be identified and experimented with to see if different and more desirable outcomes can be achieved.
Expecting ups and downs and viewing them as part of a relational journey can help alleviate part of the stress that comes with inevitable conflicts and can result in us being more willing to take necessary actions.
Relationship problems usually feel like a burden at the time but on later reflection they can sometimes be seen as having offered an opportunity to move closer together. Over time this knowledge can build a sense of trust in addressing issues up front as part of an ongoing strengthening and deepening of a couple's connection and bond. Issues will continue to arise but the way they are dealt with can continually evolve.
Couple counselling provides opportunities to find new ways to address issues and it may also help us to view the issues differently too. As well as learning new specific skills we can also develop more fundamental capacities such as becoming more thoughtful and more able to manage our emotions that stand us in good stead in our lives more generally.
If you would like more information you can contact Daniel by telephone or email.
M: 0402 573 548
E:
Daniel Mills
Counsellor and Psychotherapist
Cottesloe Counselling Centre
11 Brixton St
Cottesloe Western Australia 6011
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