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Communicating with Teenagers
Andrew Norfolk
Perth Counsellor & Psychotherapist
Western Australia
The teenage years or adolescence, are generally understood to be a time of great change and challenge for both teenager and parent.
Teenagers undergo challenges and changes ranging from the physical (biological), to how they think (cognitive) how they feel (emotional), how they interact with others (social), how they behave (moral) and what they believe in (spiritual). During these years, every teenager will in some way rebel, experiment and make mistakes, which will affect the relationship you have. One tried and tested way to keep the relationship on track is to use the mantra, ‘see the behavior as the issue not the person’ and simply allow ourselves to maintain a parental or corrective stance that resists blame or resentment that may damage our longer term relationship with our children.
A major concern for most parents of teenagers is feeling as if they are losing their connection with their child, that their child no longer wants to talk to them or has become more secretive.
It is normal and healthy for most teenagers to want more privacy and keep thoughts and feelings to themselves, especially boys. Developing a private self where they prepare for adult life, independent of their parents, is a major hallmark of adolescence. It is therefore not a rejection of you, but healthy behavior in a long line of developmental steps towards maturity and independence. These moments of independence and growth are sometimes bittersweet for parents, much similar to when you left them for the first time at day care, or they told you not to kiss them goodbye anymore at school.
How to Improve Communication between Parent’s & Teenagers
Maintaining or developing a trusting and safe relationship with your teenager will require time, patience and a consideration of your history together; in short, the quality of your relationship to date. If you think that there are significant impairments in your relationship with your teenager, you may need to address them first, perhaps through seeing a counselor who specializes in working with young people and parents. If the skills below are ‘new’ for you, they will be new for your teenager, who may need a little time to adjust. Otherwise, the following skills will be a start towards maintaining and developing improved communication: -
- Make use of times and activities to be with your teenager on a regular basis, for example, at each evening meal.
- Just listen, without judgment or comment. Teenager’s, like all of us need to experiment with ideas and thoughts. This will generate safety, respect and trust.
- Respond to your teenager with encouragement and interest.
- Know whom they are with, what they are doing and where they are.
- Openly notice and comment on positive behaviors.
- Spend time with your teenager doing an activity that they like.
- Let them know that you are always available to talk.
- Ask open questions like “what do you think of…” or “how are you getting home from….”.
- Refrain from making statements, assumptions or asking closed questions like “do you think that…..” or “are you coming home with…” These closed questions assume much whilst generating little in the way of a conversation or responses from your teenager.
- Be respectful to teach respect.
- Be there and if you cannot, let them know.
- Develop an authoritative or positive parenting style.
- Get support & debrief your concerns and reactions with someone else, i.e. a friend, a partner or a counselor.
- Attend a parenting course.
Causes of difficult or problematic communication.
Obstacles, or complications which upset harmony or communication, exist in any family from time to time, just as change or conflict are also a part of family life. In most areas of life, we attempt to maintain a healthy balance but in times of stress, illness or worse, this balance can fall away and increase difficulties. Stressors such as parental conflict, separation, a parent or teenager being overly stressed, anxious or even depressed can all have a negative impact on our ability to have meaningful and healthy relationships with others. Everyday needs, such as enough sleep, healthy eating, relaxation and connection with others will often be thrown out of balance in times of stress. If any of these issues are a concern for you, you may benefit from speaking to a counselor who can assist you in understanding your situation and re-establish a feeling of control, balance and connection to others, especially if communication is seriously damaged.
What to look out for -
| In your Home |
- A lack of privacy or personal space for your teenager.
- Children feeling shamed or embarrassed.
- A lack of time together as a family, i.e. sitting down to a meal.
- A punitive or ‘authoritarian’ parenting style.
- Ongoing stress, anger and tension.
- Problematic alcohol and drug use.
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| For Parents |
- Disagreeing over a parenting style, rules and values.
- Anxiety, overly worrying and voicing doubts to or in front of children.
- Being absent or away from home for prolonged periods.
- Problematic alcohol & drug use.
- Depression.
- Mental illness.
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| For Teenagers |
- Feeling unsafe in discussing private or sensitive issues.
- Worrying about their parents reactions.
- Problematic alcohol & drug use.
- Anger.
- Depression.
- Anxiety.
- Spending too much time alone.
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If you would like any further information or assistance please call or email Andrew who has over 15 years experience of assisting parents and teenagers.
Phone - 0430 037 376
Andrew Norfolk BSW. MAASW. G.T.
Accredited Gestalt Therapist
Accredited Clinical Social Worker
Counsellor & Psychotherapist.
Cottesloe Counselling Centre
11 Brixton Street
Cottesloe. W.A. 6011
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The Port Counselling Centre
12 Mouat Street
Fremantle. W.A. 6160
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